Nip-Tuck Toddler Style

Planning on finally hacking off that schnauz that’s been bothering you for all those years? Maybe that potbelly of yours is getting in the way of your favorite halter-top? Perhaps it’s time you upgrade from the wrinkled look to the freakishly surprised look? Plastic surgery has become an old stand-by when it comes to fighting Mother Nature, but this time you can get your kids involved in all the fun. Thanks to a new kids book called, “My Beautiful Mommy,” you can inform your toddler at home just why you’re wrapped up like a mummy and drinking through an IV. The author of the book is board certified plastic surgeon Michael Salzhauer, and he attempts to answer questions like, “Mommy, where did your belly go?”

In an age when aesthetic enhancements out-trump community improvements, it’s only natural that these questions arise in various homes throughout the country. But is it a fair assumption that all mommies should look like big boobed sex-bots and all plastic surgeons resemble Superman? And isn’t Mommy too old to be wearing half shirts?

Self-esteem via nip-tuck has become the norm and people aren’t lying about their deviated septums anymore. We are in an age of quick fixes and pretty faces, where half of America is just killing time until they get their own reality show. So why not look good?

We’ll find out the answer when the kids get old enough to make doctors’ appointments. You can’t properly convince your little girl that she’s beautiful the way she is, when you can’t blink without tearing a stitch. Maybe it’s time you ask your superhero plastic surgeon to help you out. He or she might just have the right book to express all the emotions you can’t.

80's Retro-volution

God, I love the 80s. Maybe it's because the 80s were such an optimistic time in pop culture. Music was upbeat with catchy refrains and riffs of raging synthesizers. Movies starred teens who battled authority while sporting big shoulder pads and perfectly sprayed bangs. And on TV -- families of all kinds struggled to keep it together, but wrapped up their problems neatly in a 30 minute package, complete with a tiny moral lesson. While the world worried about the Cold War, everything on Punky Brewster and Family Ties was honky dory. To me, 80s Island was a small, glittery utopia, awash in leg warmers.

This week, 80s fans can rejoice because a few familiar faces are making a comeback. Remember Rick Springfield of "Jesse's Girl" fame? He was just on Oprah hocking his new album and an expanded version of his old album. I'm sure there's nothing sexier than looking out into a crowd and seeing a 45-year old woman and mother of three throwing panties at you. But Rick still kicks it 80s-style, and the women still eat it up like a Bill Cosby puddin' pop.

My favorite comeback of the month is Steve Guttenburg on Dancing with the Stars. Don't get me wrong. I am in no way advocating reality game shows, but this season I simply must watch the star of the Police Academy franchise do the cha cha cha into the hearts of America. For a good five years in the 80s, the Goot was everyone's lovable wise-ass, coming out with awesomely bad comedies in rapid-fire succession. Then, like Michael Jackson's hair catching fire in a Pepsi commercial... POOF! He disappeared off our radar. America craved a smaller lovable wise-ass in the form of McCauley Culkin, and the rest is history.... or is it? Vote for the Goot! I will be!

You may have noticed One Day at a Time star Valerie Bertinelli doing the talk show circuit. That's because she dropped the weight of a small grade schooler as the spokeswoman for Jennie Craig and she just came out with a book detailing her exploits with rocker Eddie Van Halen. She had affairs, snorted cocaine and the best part of the story is she slept with Steven Spielberg and broke it off with him because he doesn't like garlic. That juicy tidbit is located in what I like to call the "Kicking Myself in the Ass for Missing that Damn Boat" chapter. Anywho, if you're a fan, you'll be seeing a lot more of the coke-lovin' goody two shoes.

And ladies, you're out of luck because Gary Coleman is finally off the market. (Sorry, I may have mistaken the sighs of relief for the sound of disappointment.) Gary married a 22-year old woman who's never seen an episode of Different Strokes, and that's probably just fine since who wants your wife incorporating quotes from that show into daily conversations? "Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?" She replies, "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" If you miss the sight of the fun-sized man-child, he'll be spearheading the new campaign for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, meaning you'll be seeing him around in all his buttery goodness.

For anyone out there... tell me your favorite 80s moment. And who do you want to see back in the spotlight? I, for one, can't wait for Rick Moranis to take Hollywood by storm again... without the shrunken kids or the proton pack.

The Age of Couple Dating

No, I don't mean "swinging." But when you get to that certain sad stage in your life, you find yourself just hanging out with couples. Suddenly, you hypnotically say to your significant other, "I wonder what Bob and Susan are doing this weekend? Maybe they want to go apple picking with us." You stop cold in your tracks and ask you mate if he or she can slap you in face. You've turned into one of those androids you've vowed never to become.

Fortunately, for those technically savvy androids who want to give into their need for coupling but don't have a Bob and Susan, there are dating sites like Kupple. Overjoyed pairs pose for photos so you can evaluate these potential friends and scrutinize their relationships in the privacy of your own home.... green card marriage...too athletic...too hippie... too religious... too scary.... cougar with her prey...husband is totally in the closet...

The question is this... do the same dating rules apply when you're meeting a new couple for the first time? According to Dr. Phil's rules for dating one should.... 1) Be Aware: know how someone perceives you on a first impression. So if you're an annoying couple, this might be the reason you can't find people to hang out with you. 2) Check your baggage: apparently people can tell if you got issues, so make sure you and your partner take all your mood altering meds before this double date. 3) Know your deal breakers: extreme sports, swinging, clan rallies, and hunting are all deal breakers... at least for me. 4) Move slowly: don't ask them to go away for the weekend, if meeting up at the farmers market went well.

In a society where it's easier to find friends on the other side of a computer monitor than it is in person, maybe couple internet dating is the answer. And for all of those ready to make the leap, but are too ashamed to admit it, you just might have to go apple picking by yourselves.

Top 5 Reasons to Celebrate Mardi Gras

It's been a tough year of hearing about the casualties of war and the casualties of our pop stars here at home. Why not blow off some steam and ring in Lent the way God intended...with Cajun food? Here are the top 5 reasons to celebrate Fat Tuesday this year.



5. This year is SUPER FAT TUESDAY. Election returns are best digested with beer... lots of it.

4. You can take a shot every time a candidate says the word, "Change."

3. A helping of gumbo gets rid of a bitter after-taste, just like the one left from the last administration.

2. Zydeco music best drowns out whiny election ads.

1. Casting your vote is more awesome when accomplished with your top off.

Get out there and vote because this could be the most important vote of your lifetime. Then, when you're done, kick back and let the good times roll! Happy Mardi Gras!

The Sky is Falling! (Oh wait, it’s just a Satellite)

Where will you be when the Big One hits? No, I don’t mean an earthquake. I mean NASA’s Extreme Ultraviolet Explorer Satellite.

The 3.5-ton piece of defunct machinery is careening towards the Earth at an alarming rate and NASA expects it to land sometime Wednesday morning. The kicker is…THEY DON’T KNOW WHERE IT’S GOING TO LAND!

So while most of the world is worried about Britney’s stint in the loony ward, we should be wondering, “Is my will in order if a jagged piece of metal crashes on top of my house while I sleep?”

Time to get our priorities straight. Although the celebrity circus is the biggest sideshow there is (and we do celebrate sideshows), let’s focus on what’s starring on the main stage for the moment. Most people’s lives will not be effected if the white coats take away ole’ Brit for good, or if Heath really did have a drug problem. What will matter is where everyone in your life will be when the giant satellite comes down.

Between tracking Lohan’s whereabouts on TMZ, try pondering this epistemological quandary… how will destiny determine where the doomed EUE Satellite will land? And who knew that movie “Armageddon” actually had a viable plot? Personally, I'm channeling Bruce Willis to shoot that sucker down.

You Got It (The Right Comeback)

Excuse me if I don my braces, glasses and ginormous set of bangs again.

Dude, the New Kids are back. I repeat. The New Kids are back. Whether you were one of the annoying pre-teens who shrieked at the sound of their sticky-sweet pop tunes, or one of those peeps who persecuted them, the breaking news that the New Kids are planning a reunion is still awesome news.

Why? (You ask while rolling your eyes and pointing to your tattered Poison T-shirt.) Because this craziness is a welcome distraction from the train-wreck pop stars of today and could quite possibly jump-start the economy. Thirty-something woman all around the world are dropping off their kids to school and downing their Ensure protein shakes in bated breath of the New Kids return. These women are the demographic responsible for the purse strings of America. You make them happy and they might spend a few bucks. Who’s scared of a recession, when you got a New Kids mania all over again? Trust me, I’m already planning to get my high school gang together in anticipation for their comeback tour. Alert the airline industry, will ya?



I admit it. I had a New Kids on the Block book cover on my sixth grade English text book that I had to hide every time I took it out of my desk. And that’s because if anyone in my homeroom saw it, I would have to endure the barrage of teasing that would include the phrase, “You know, they’re all gay, right?” But I insisted on keeping it on there and hiding my secret because I was a loyal fan. They weren’t gay. They were all in love with me, and one day I would become their only female band mate.

Okay, I never did join the band, but sometimes dreams don’t come true for a reason. I followed them through the post-NKOTB days of the “Surreal Life,” “Dancing with the Stars” and “Saw.” And I forgave them for every misstep. About 18 years after their last album, they’ve lost some of their shininess, their mystique. I see them now as middle-aged men trying to just make it through adulthood, slightly disillusioned and battered by early pop-dom. They come back into the spotlight with wives, kids and mortgages. “Hanging Tough” seems like a silly thing to sing when you’ve got a prostate exam scheduled for the morning.

So guys, get out there and embarrass the hell out of yourselves. I’ll be watching.

Take a Chill Pill Lady, It’s Snowing Outside

When a 17 year-old kid called a Virginia school administrator at home to complain about the lack of a snow day, he got the earful of a lifetime. Candy Tistadt, the wife of the school administrator, called the student back and left a very heated message. So, he decided to do what any kid in this day and age would do… post it on the internet. Here's a clip from "Good Morning America."



And so commences my open letter to the Mean Voice Mail Woman:
I’m channeling every mid 1980s bone in my body when I say, “Take a chill pill, Lady.” Take a yoga class, meditate, tear through a carton of chicken fried rice… whatever. Just stop spreading your negative mojo around here, will ya? We’re at war, thousands are homeless on the streets, Heath Leger’s dead, and you’re upset because someone called you at home? Seriously, can we put some things in perspective?

We all get miffed once and a while. We all spontaneously flip off people on the freeway or angrily sigh at the lady with the checkbook in the grocery store. But this voice mail message… well, that took a lot of effort. And on the Scale of Crazy… you’re about an 8.5. I know that kid was probably over-stepping his bounds. He probably copped some attitude and displayed some entitlement issues. Perhaps he's the laziest kid on the planet. It wasn’t right to call you at home and kids should respect that. But, Candy, Candy, Candy… you’re an adult and you can’t call up students and pull Looney Toons, no matter what kind of brats they are. You could've calmly talked to his parents or let your husband patiently call the kid back to have a sensible chat. When you needlessly lose it on someone, it always comes back to bite you. It’s a vengeful, technological age, and there are better, more composed ways of living in it.

So, please, Candy. For the sake of all of us, keep the crazy under wraps.